i'm sure i'd be better as a nocturnal.. apart from the whole socialising thing.. which i never do anyway. but then i wouldn't be able to eat.. or, do much really at all.. no change there either. but i need my mummy to cook for me.. because i can't stand up and cook.. or, sit up.. and do anything really.. and this diet, it's all complicated, she spends way too much time cooking for me bless her.

i wish i could look after myself.

i'd love to be indipendant. independant? i can't spell, i dunno do i, i haven't had a proper english lesson for 4 years! that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it. uh yes, just to have the choice would be nice. before i was ill i was really lazy, i think, i can't remember.. i just remember usually asking mum for a drink rather than getting it myself.. but that might have been when i was starting to get ill.. i was 12, i'm now 16, oohhh i'm nearly 17.. 2 months! how cool.. hmm. so, when i'm better, and able to look after myself.. what shall i do? i think it'd be nice to visit my parents, rather than live with them.. is that mean? i really apreciate them putting up with me, but i guess this whole situation is just weird.. i'm the centre of everything and i don't like it. it would be nice in any other situation but not this. i'm ill, therefore i have to be looked after. my parents never go out together, and mum does everything for me. if i wasn't ill then she'd have the chance to have a job and a social life. but she's a hard working housewife. because of me. if we're invited to stay anywhere, it always depends on how i am. i don't like it! i wish we could just do stuff cos we want to, rather than hope that i'm alright and be carefull not to do too much incase i get more ill.

i just want to know what it's like. to live by myself, make my own money, make my own meals, pay my own bills etc.

oh well, one day.

last night, after staring at my guitars in the dark, trying (and failing) to sleep, i put a song on. iris. by the goo goo dolls. i've listened to it so many times, i love it. it has so much feeling and stuff. but i've never felt it as much as i did last night. i closed my eyes and listened to it, and was almost hypnotised by it. i was imagining him (first love) sitting on my bed and playing it on my guitar and singing it to me. and then i took the guitar from him and put it on the stand and kissed him.

it's never happened, kinda unlikely it ever will. i've never even heard him play it, but i know he can. he's brilliant on guitar, i miss that. but i just saw it so clearly, and felt it. i wasn't asleep, but i didn't want to wake up. he was here, on my bed, and i didn't want him to go.

and i'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause i know that you feel me somehow. you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be and i don't wanna go home right now

i miss him. i've changed since we were together, for the better. there were things about me neither of us liked, and they're not so bad now. when i'm better i'll be the person he wanted back then. the person i wanted to be. i never liked who i was. very shy and unconfident. never made decisions. ok that i still have to work on, but i've learnt to except now that the only way to be unique is to be yourself, and that's what i am; myself. i'm 16, i don't know exactly who myself is yet, but it's a start. it doesn't mean i don't look at other people and wish i had a quality that they have, i'm human. i just mean, what i've just said. i am who i am. those people i admire, they know who they are, and are exactly that person. and if somebody doesn't like it, then that's their problem. i've always automatically become more and more like the people i've spent time with. i did that with him, and i didn't see it as a bad thing untill he pointed it out, and i realised how pathetic it was. what would be better; talking to someone a mirror image of yoursef who agreed with everything you said, or someone who had their own oppinions? exactly. i mirrored him. i admired him. i guess i still do in some ways. but i need my own oppinions and stuff. maybe i'd have more respect for myself and from other people if i did have my own oppinions.

i don't know why this is still an issue, i think i've said before that i don't think he's the one for me, i'm not even sure if i'd want to get back with him.

but i still love him.

and i still want him.

that doesn't help much really.

i think i just want to be able to see him one day and for him to think more of me.

for myself. i want to be me for my sake, not his.

and you can't fight the tears that ain't comin', or the moment of truth in your lies. when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

maybe when that time comes i won't care so much. maybe i'll have found the right guy for me.

maybe pigs might fly.

and i don't want the world to see me, 'cause i don't think that they'd understand. well everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.