I'm sitting here, not really doing anything. My head full of everything, but yet empty.

I keep realising that I'm frowning, but I don't really know why. I think I want to cry, but again, I don't really know why.

I've had a headache constantly for two days. Three days ago, I managed to hit my head pretty hard on the corner of a shelf in my room. I now have a small scab and lump, although the lump might have been there already.

My head hurts, I'm kinda depressed but not quite, and I think I want to cry but not sure..

What's the matter with me?

Maybe I just need sleep. As in sleep at night, rather than random times..

I am trying not to dwell on the fact that I miss G. But I do. A lot. And it hurts :(

Things won't stay like this though. They can't.

Okay there we go, I managed to squeeze out a few tears. This is pathetic, it really is. I need stuff to do. I need health. I need a life. I want G in it.

I don't like depending on things or people. Because if I do that, they disappear. Then I'm left with nothing to lean on and I fall over. I did that with R. He was my life. I thought at the time that it was a good thing. That I really loved him that much that my life would be empty without him. Love? Maybe. But the truth is more likely to be that I just had nothing else. I was ill, I spent all my energy on him. If I was with him, I was happy, and doing stuff. If I wasn't, I was in bed, suffering from seeing him last, missing him, and waiting for the next time I could see him. So when we finished, what was left? I was empty. All I had left was thinking about him, missing him, and wallowing in self-pity.

I think I finally got it into my head that I need to be me, and make me a strong person, rather than basing who I am on somebody else.

Now, I can be me, and it's fantastic. But I need something. Something that makes me who I am. I don't want this relationship to be like it was with R. I can't just depend on G, because when I depend on someone, I get clingy. And me being clingy is not a good thing.

Urgh. I don't know what I'm going on about. I just needed to write something, incase I could make sense out of how I'm feeling at the moment. I guess I knew anyway.. But not.. Really.. What? I don't know..

I should go to bed. It's now seventeen minutes past seven in the morning. Urgh.. And I'm frowning again. Why am I frowning again?

I want to go shopping. I want to go out. Shopping. With people. Walking.

I need to get out of this house.

I think I've actually been in this room for two weeks.. ish.. Going to the bathroom and stuff obviously, but I mean, I haven't been out of the house since the day before my birthday, and I don't think I've been downstairs since my birthday. Not properly, anyway.

This is not healthy.

I need to at least get myself sorted out so I can wake up in the day and at least just sit in the garden or something.

And then go and see G. I have to see him soon, or I think my head may explode. Messy.

Urgh again. I'm sorry this was such a shit entry.

I will go to bed now.