oh it's been such a long time! *checks just how long* woah.. my last actual entry was 2nd july...... wow.. haha, that was ages ago! and that ex.. was then not my ex, then my ex, then not, and now he is again.. properly.. as of, well yesterday really.. things were good. things were really good, infact i was happier than i remember being in a long time... but then it got relaxed again.. and things weren't quite so good.. lil day-ja-voo.. (that's how it's spelt now, alright? :P) and then i thought, i don't know if i want to be here anymore... but i remembered the last time i thought that, and ended it, we ended up talking, sorting things out, getting back together, and being really happy.. so i said we need to talk.. eventually we did. yesterday. we sat.. laughed a bit, argued a bit, hugged a bit, argued a bit.. talked a bit.. he asked me to tell him out right if i wanted to be with him or not.. i couldn't, because i didn't know. part of me was saying "this isn't right. it's not a relationship you want to be in" but a bit of me really wanted just to stay in his arms, laugh with him, watch crap telly with him, be with him generally.. because he was good company.. really good company when he wanted to be.. but the rest, the doubts, the taking things the wrong way, the jealousy, the bad times.. they weren't quite so great.. and staying with someone for a few good days, dispite the unhappiness and everything, all very well when the good things outweigh the bad, but when it's the other way round, it's time to think about it. and i did, and as much as he means to me, as much as i want to be there for him, it won't work. becuase we've tried. and we've been round in circles.. having our good times, our brilliant times, and our crap times.. and then we break up.. and then we get back together.. and it happens again. he's really not a bad guy, he needs someone who understands him, who kinda knows how to handle him... i guess i was getting there slowly, but i need someone who understands me too.. and i don't think he does.. okay maybe a bit, but not enough.. you know it's bad when you watch everything you say incase you say something to upset him.. and even then he takes things the wrong way.. and then ya just end up hardly ever talking... it's not right.. so anyway, i'm single again.. great. he's hurting.. he's always said he loves me, i've said it a couple of times and thought i meant it, but that's just it, i only thought it.. the feeling was there, but not all the time. and i recon if you have doubts that you love someone, then it's not real. if i really loved him then i wouldn't be letting him go.. but i am.. so there's the answer i guess.. i still care about him, and i'm hurting cos i know what he's going through.. i've been there.. he reminds me of me sometimes, back in my last relationship.. sorry, my first.. i was so in love.. all i could see was him, the thought of not being with him was the worst i could think of.. then when i wasn't with him, i really didn't want to be alive, what was the point?.. maybe he isn't quite that dramatic, maybe he is, i don't know.. but i know he's hurting. and i wish he didn't have to, but i still couldn't stay with him, it would be for the wrong reasons..

so there we go.. all that wait for a new entry and that's what ya get.. sorry ;)

another thing, thursday night, i got a phone call from someone i haven't spoken to on the phone for over a year.. was weird at first, but we were talking for over 2 hours, it was actually quite nice, catching up, talking to someone who knew me properly, talking about things that i haven't talked about for that long, it was nice. surreal, but nice.. (damn notting hill ;))

oh and you know what? kat is brilliant. i went to see her between christmas and new year (hence the last entry ;)), and had a really good time, talking about, pretty much everything actually.. which is weird cos i almost never do that ;) and she's managed to cheer me up countless times, she's put up with me moaning, actually she's put up with me, that's enough ;) it's quite scary how well she knows me, we've only met in person, 3 times now, but i think anyone who didn't know us and saw us together would probably think we were like next door neighbours who have known eachother since like birth or something ;)

okay i'll bog off now, probably.. yes, i will.. okay, bye...