La. I don't know. I'm just going to write now. Because I haven't done this in a while. Just type. You know.. Cos. Sorry about the entry before the last one, I'm not sure what was wrong with me. I had that again today or yesterday.. Not too sure. I guess it comes with having no life. I'm addicted to shopping now.. I need to buy stuff. Then I know I have something coming in the post for me, and it will be new and for me and I will be able to play with it.. And then get bored and buy something else. How sad? :S So I banned myself from ebay after spending too much on something. But the things I got before that are goood! I got a top and some trousers.. both slightly too big for me, but they fit well enough, and I can either adjust them slightly, or eat lots... or put up with bagginess. But they're good!

I had a very strange dream last night. It made no sense, it didn't go anywhere, it didn't even seem to have anything I could pick out and look up to see what it meant.. It was just, bits.. strange.

But, there was a bit in there were I did a sort of long jump across brighton.. And I mean like over lots of beaches in brighton.. I was flying, but it was a jump.. because I ran, took off, and had no control over where I was going to land. Another bit, I was in a tram, or cable car, or whatever, and it was like back in time, and Eddie was there, all transvestited up and stuff, but it was before he was famous, and he was all shy and stuff and hiding.. But I knew who he was.. But he seemed a little scared of me ;)

There were lots of bits of my dream, it was one dream, it all happened in brighton.. but there was no like, story line.. or anything.. anything to help me remember what order things happened in.. It was all very strange. Oh and there was one bit where I was walking along with some friends ("walking" and "friends" being the amazing part of that bit....) and we needed to catch a bus, and there was one, but it was about to leave, so the others ran for it and caught it, but I couldn't run fast enough, so missed it..... Story of my life ;) or something.

I phoned my bank tonight. I was shaking, my heart was racing.. How pathetic is that? He probably thought I was well weird.... (*cough* shut up..) I sounded all nervous and stuff.. I need to get over this thing about phoning people at some point. Oh well, I did it. Aren't we proud of me? No.. Oh well. I'm fine phoning people sometimes, but for some reason, tonight, when I had to, I turned to jelly. So that was fun!

*cries* I want to buy stuff! What can I buy? :S

I want a house or flat, a car, a job, a life, some friends, and some health. Please. I would be quite happy then. As long as it was a good job, anyway.

Oh, and a pretty purple lotus elise would be nice, too ;)

You know when I will be really happy? When I've earnt all that stuff. Benifits are all very well, but when I can say I bought everything I have with money I worked for, then I will be happy. Possibly..

For now, the energy to have some driving lessons would be nice.

The energy to leave the house would be nice..

How about energy to get out of bed and be up and dressed more than once every week or two? No? Well thanks.

Hmm. I don't want to go depressed again.. I can feel myself slowly going back though. But then I stop, and come back and be happy, so that's good, but I don't know which way I'm going!

I want independence.. I don't like having to rely on other people for everything. I don't know what I'd do without mum, seriously.

I want. I hate saying that.. makes me sound like such a brat. But health, energy.. that's not too much to ask, is it? I want to get somewhere, and be able to say I did it myself. But I can't bloody well do anything without the energy to do it. Blah.

Sorry, I've gone all down and pants.. Ah, self pitty. Such a wonderful thing.

:S

On a brighter note, I got the conference video the other day. Finally! Haven't watched it all yet, just the beginning. It's weird watching stuff that was going on whilst I was lying in bed feeling like I was about to die.. Oh well. Looking forward to seeing the messages ;)

I shall leave it there, and, um, sleep, maybe?

Sorry for the shitty entry ;)

la la.